This is my gift to you all. Merry Fucking Christmas – a monologue I wrote a few years back, which has since been produced for radio. When I get my act together, I’ll publish an audio version of it too. I hope you enjoy it…
I hate Christmas. I’m not talking about a mild dislike here. I’m talking full on fucking loathing. I hate baubles, brandy and Bing Bastard Crosby. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it because I had an unhappy childhood or because I think the ‘true religious meaning’ has been lost, oh no, I hate it because of one man. Good ol’ Santa, St. Nick, Kriss Kringle, Papa Noel, Father Bloody Christmas. And do you know why I hate him? Because he stole my husband.
Every December for the past four years it’s been the same. Dick leaves his early retirement to dress up in a stupid red suit and pretend to be Santa. He’s always been adamant that he’s a ‘serious actooor’, so for the whole of December I have to put up with him practicing his ho ho ho’s, whilst I have to pretend that I actually give a shit about his Christmas career.
When I first met him down the local, he told me he was an actor, so obviously I thought he was a poof. Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I did eventually find out what type of acting he did, it was too bloody late coz I was already up the duff and halfway up the aisle. You see, Dick isn’t your ordinary type of Santa. Oh no. Put it this way, if he was in the
Debenhams Christmas Grotto he’d be arrested, the stuff he gets up to. He’s not for the kids, my Dick…he’s a triple x-rated porno Santa. Well, he used to be anyway- he quit the business after a messy Come Doink With Me experience involving a German and a plate of her bowel movements.
He was very successful before he retired, though, in fact you may have seen him in films such as: Edward Penishands; Shaving Ryan’s Privates; Lord of the Cock Rings; Bride of Wankenstein? No? Anyway, he’s got a very big fan base, so to make us a bit more cash for Christmas, he makes a one-off festive special. So whilst I’m here looking after the bloody kids, he’s dressed up as Santa, porking a load of trollops. But his job has never really bothered me that much, you know. Honestly. You see, I’ve always classed myself as a ‘doggy position’ kinda girl – you know, a little bit dirty but nothing too pervy. I’m not frigid or nothing, in fact I think I’m very open minded, but Dick…well… he’s something else. He’s all butt plugs and nipple clamps, not my cup of tea at all.
Now don’t get me wrong, ‘cause I do love my Dick, I wouldn’t have stuck around for fourteen years if I didn’t, but he’s not a great looker. In fact, he looks a cross between Ron Jeremy and John Prescott – kinda half-man, half-toad with a fat stomach, podgy, sweaty hands…mullet. But of course, his success doesn’t lie in his looks, does it? It’s all about what he’s got in his pants, and the only way I can describe that, ladies, is ‘butcher’s knob’ – big and fat, like a Cumberland sausage. It’s just a shame he doesn’t use it on me more often. But, I suppose it’s a bit like if you work in a chip shop all day, the last thing you’re gonna want for your tea is a battered sausage.
He’s had more sex with more women than you can imagine. In fact, I’m surprised his willy hasn’t dropped off by now. But, I don’t mind. Honest. What I do mind, though, is how these Christmas specials take over my life. As a ‘serious actooor’, he takes his part very seriously and he spends weeks getting into character. And of course it’s not just his ho ho ho’s he has to perfect. He has to make sure his little elf’s up to the job as well. So if it’s not bad enough that I hardly ever get laid, when I do it’s just a bloody rehearsal for him. I feel like a fucking fluffer. It’s so boring and it always starts of the same. I sit on his lap and he asks me if I’ve been a good girl and I have to say, “Oh no Santa, I’ve been a very naughty girl and I don’t deserve any presents this year. What I really deserve is a damn good spanking.” As you can see, the script is really crap this year. Carry On films have got nothing on this tosh. Oh, it’s full of all the classic Christmas innuendos like, “Come here and empty my sack”, and “Oh Santa, stuff me like a turkey!” But, I don’t mind. Honest. Because he comes home to me, right? I’m the one he cuddles at night, right? I’m his wife.
Will you do me a favour, though? If you wake up on Christmas morning with a copy of ‘Santa’s Cumming’ starring Dick Upper in your stocking, please spare a thought for me. Whilst you’re tucking into your Christmas pud and listening to the Queen’s speech, I’ll be sat at a table full of slags he’s shagged. I’ll have to be all nice and friendly when all I wanna do is scratch their eyes out. Because, you know what? I do mind. Honest.
Mellissa Flowerdew-Clarke 